1. Ladies, keep your legs crossed until after midnight. A True Christian™ lady always keeps her knees together -- and June 6 is no time to stop. As your demon child willfully pushes and kicks, causing your lady hole to dilate to the size of a drainage pipe, keep your knees locked together at all times. This will give your demanding child a wonderful, early lesson that he can't always have his way. To underscore this valuable disciplinary message, as the devil child flops around, trying to claw its way out to the human world to do Lucifer's bidding, continue to warble in a loud voice, "La la la la la la la I CAN'T FEEL YOU!"
***6. You might decide (as many Christian families in need have before you) that it is best just to sell your child to the cause of Creation Science. Our laboratory and research center will pay $18 a pound (17 cents a pound for mixed race infants) for any child under the age of 6-months. In making this decision, you can rest assured that you are doing something for the cause of Christendom™. Your family will be helping Creation Scientists better understand Satan's handiwork in early childhood development. This greater understanding will better prepare us in case (God forbid we'd have to suffer) there is a post-tribulational Rapture. If that is ever the case, the more we know about the enemy, the better.
(Hat tip to Crooks and Liars.)
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