Brand Me

I stood at the counter of the local 7-11, preparing to pay for my ice cream and Mountain Dew. The young guy behind the counter asked if I needed anything else and I think I said a pack of Camel Lights, because, after all, that's my brand.

But as I looked up from my small wad of cash, I caught a glimpse of the buy-one-get-one packs and saw a Camel brand in black boxes. I asked what they were.

"Oh, Camel Crush."

The name meant nothing to me, so I asked for specifics. The clerk went on to explain that the filter contained a capsule that, when squeezed, released a menthol flavoring.

I shrugged my shoulders. "Why not?" I said, figuring that even if they sucked, at least I had two packs to satisfy my fix.

I have had brief spans where I smoke menthol cigarettes, typically when I am seeing a girl who smokes menthols. The taste still reminds me of smoking immediately after rinsing your mouth with Listerine. But the upbeat thing to them is the quality of the buzz you can occasionally catch, something all too rare for myself, who smokes a pack a day.

The first thing I can tell you about Camel Crush is that the capsule doesn't crack easily. I had to use my nails to actually hear the thing break, and even then, I was wondering if I'd actually torn into the filter. But after now finishing an entire pack, I have to admit to a mild pleasure derived from the gimmick of hearing a little pop in your cigarette and then noticing the change in taste.

It does, however, raise some concern. I do realize I'm talking about smoking here, but when I was inhaling and exhaling each Crush last night, I wondered what new chemicals I was adding to the already hazardous smoke I was filling my lungs with. Did this transformation to menthol mid-smoke somehow make the cigarettes even more lethal? Will I be lying on my death bed 30 20 10 a few years from now, wheezing and hacking as a young metrosexual doctor scribbles something down on his clipboard, shakes his head and sighs before saying, "If you only hadn't smoked those damn Crushes ..."

Of course, one pack of Crushes gone and one to go, I'm already tiring of the menthol taste—and that's not good, because without the crushed capsule, the actual cigarettes taste like those cheapened ones people buy when they're trying to reduce the level of nicotine. I get to see the girl for the first time in a few weeks tomorrow and I'll be sure to have her try one. When I tell her I probably won't buy them again, she'll almost certainly use that as the opportunity to point out that maybe quitting would be a good idea.

But quitting is out of the question.

I found a pack of my usual brand, the Camel Lights, under my bed this afternoon. I'm already looking forward to opening them and being reminded of what I was missing.