Week Four Power Rankings

Last week was that one week when a pair of major upsets (thanks for nothing, Denver and Dallas) that led to the inevitable week where some girl crushes everybody else in the pool. It was bound to happen, I suppose. It's a good thing there's no money involved here.

I went 9-4 with last week's picks and scored 60 points (5th place out of 24) to bring my season total to 38-22 with 325 points (6th place out of 25).

As for my Power Rankings, I'm sure the fans in St. Louis have to be thrilled to know the Rams are ranked first somewhere:


1. (2) ST. LOUIS RAMS

• Last week: Lost to Buffalo, 31-14 (+12)
  
• Actual Record: 0-4
• My predicted record: 0-4
• Points scored for me with wins: 0
• Points scored for me with losses: 51
• Points taken from me with wins: 0
• Points taken from me with losses: 0
• Plus/Minus: +51
• TEAM HAIKU:

Led the Bills halfway,
not only losing the game
but the coach as well

2. (1) NEW YORK GIANTS

• Last week: BYE
  
• Actual Record: 3-0
• My predicted record: 3-0
• Points scored for me with wins: 47
• Points scored for me with losses: 0
• Points taken from me with wins: 0
• Points taken from me with losses: 0
• Plus/Minus: +47
  
• TEAM HAIKU:

They had a week's rest,
but it is still three more weeks
until first true test

3. (7) NEW YORK JETS

• Last week: Beat Arizona, 56-35 (+10)
  
• Actual Record: 2-2
• My predicted record: 2-2
• Points scored for me with wins: 23
• Points scored for me with losses: 5
• Points taken from me with wins: 0
• Points taken from me with losses: 0
• Plus/Minus: +28
  
• TEAM HAIKU:

Favre went all ape shit,
in those hideous throwbacks
—and now Cincy? Wow!

4. (10) ARIZONA CARDINALS

• Last week: Lost to New York Jets, 56-35 (+10)
  
• Actual Record: 2-2
• My predicted record: 2-2
• Points scored for me with wins: 14
• Points scored for me with losses: 13
  
• Points taken from me with wins: 0
• Points taken from me with losses: 0
• Plus/Minus: +27
  
• TEAM HAIKU:

Anquan Boldin lives,
But the Buzzsaw can't survive
seven turnovers again

4. (5) PITTSBURGH STEELERS

• Last week: Beat Baltimore, 23-20 (+6)
  
• Actual Record: 3-1
• My predicted record: 4-0
• Points scored for me with wins: 28
• Points scored for me with losses: 0
• Points taken from me with wins: 0
• Points taken from me with losses: 1
• Plus/Minus: +27
• TEAM HAIKU:

Injuries aplenty
As long as Steely McBeam
stays healthy, all's good

6. (7) NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

• Last week: Beat San Francisco, 31-17 (+8)
  
• Actual Record: 2-2
• My predicted record: 3-1
• Points scored for me with wins: 23
• Points scored for me with losses: 12
• Points taken from me with wins: 0
• Points taken from me with losses: 9
• Plus/Minus: +26
• TEAM HAIKU:

Better than I'd thought
beating San Fran was a must
to stay atop South

7. (3) DETROIT LIONS

• Last week: BYE
  
• Actual Record: 0-3
• My predicted record: 1-2
• Points scored for me with wins: 0
• Points scored for me with losses: 33
• Points taken from me with wins: 0
• Points taken from me with losses: 9
• Plus/Minus: +24
• TEAM HAIKU:

At long last indeed,
Matt Millen was sent packing
—but he's a "nice guy"

8. (5) PHILADELPHIA EAGLES

• Last week: Lost to Chicago, 24-20 (+1)
  
• Actual Record: 2-2
• My predicted record: 1-3
• Points scored for me with wins: 14
• Points scored for me with losses: 9
• Points taken from me with wins: 1
• Points taken from me with losses: 0
• Plus/Minus: +22
  
• TEAM HAIKU:

Loss to Bears hurt some,
but hosting the Skins Sunday
could be even worse

9. (4) GREEN BAY PACKERS

• Last week: Lost to Tampa Bay, 30-21 (-2)
  
• Actual Record: 2-2
• My predicted record: 3-1
• Points scored for me with wins: 14
• Points scored for me with losses: 9
• Points taken from me with wins: 0
• Points taken from me with losses: 2
• Plus/Minus: +21
  
• TEAM HAIKU:

The games started streak
for Aaron Rodgers at risk,
Unlike someone else ...

10. (12) SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS

• Last week: Lost to New Orleans, 31-17 (+8)
• Actual Record: 2-2
• My predicted record: 1-3
• Points scored for me with wins: 11
• Points scored for me with losses: 12
  
• Points taken from me with wins: 3
• Points taken from me with losses: 0
• Plus/Minus: +20
  
• TEAM HAIKU:

.500 record
is good enough to top West,
still long way to go

11. (7) CLEVELAND BROWNS

• Last week: Beat Cincinnati, 20-12 (-5)
  
• Actual Record: 1-3
• My predicted record: 1-3
• Points scored for me with wins: 0
• Points scored for me with losses: 24
• Points taken from me with wins: 5
  
• Points taken from me with losses: 6
• Plus/Minus: +13
  
• TEAM HAIKU:

Ohio's best team
gets the honor of losing
to the champs this week

12. (17) HOUSTON TEXANS

• Last week: Lost to Jacksonville, 30-27 (+3)
  
• Actual Record: 0-3
• My predicted record: 1-2
• Points scored for me with wins: 0
• Points scored for me with losses: 14
  
• Points taken from me with wins: 0
• Points taken from me with losses: 2
• Plus/Minus: +12
  
• TEAM HAIKU:

Still winless this week
and now playing rested Colts,
still winless next week

12. (18) MINNESOTA VIKINGS

• Last week: Lost to Tennessee, 30-17 (+4)
  
• Actual Record: 1-2
• My predicted record: 0-3
• Points scored for me with wins: 0
• Points scored for me with losses: 20
  
• Points taken from me with wins: 8
• Points taken from me with losses: 0
• Plus/Minus: +12
  
• TEAM HAIKU:

Heading to 'Nawlins,
Record could have been better,
I won't complain though

14. (26) BUFFALO BILLS

• Last week: Beat St. Louis, 31-14 (+12)
  
• Actual Record: 4-0
• My predicted record: 2-2
• Points scored for me with wins: 26
  
• Points scored for me with losses: 0
• Points taken from me with wins: 15
• Points taken from me with losses: 0
  
• Plus/Minus: +11
• TEAM HAIKU:

Who could have foreseen
the day when a team led by
Dick Jauron can't lose

14. (14) INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

• Last week: BYE
  
• Actual Record: 1-2
• My predicted record: 2-1
• Points scored for me with wins: 14
• Points scored for me with losses: 3
• Points taken from me with wins: 0
• Points taken from me with losses: 6
• Plus/Minus: +11
  
• TEAM HAIKU:

A merciful break
for a team that stunningly
has not won at home

16. (12) TAMPA BAY BUCANEERS

• Last week: Beat Green Bay, 30-21 (-2)
  
• Actual Record: 3-1
• My predicted record: 1-3
• Points scored for me with wins: 4
• Points scored for me with losses: 15
• Points taken from me with wins: 9
  
• Points taken from me with losses: 0
• Plus/Minus: +10
  
• TEAM HAIKU:

While I can admit
respecting John Gruden's way,
the Bucs still screw me

17. (25) ATLANTA FALCONS

• Last week: Lost to Carolina, 24-9 (+9)
• Actual Record: 2-2
• My predicted record: 1-3
• Points scored for me with wins: 5
• Points scored for me with losses: 13
  
• Points taken from me with wins: 9
• Points taken from me with losses: 0
• Plus/Minus: +9
  
• TEAM HAIKU:

Please let it be heard
that I'd enjoy the return
of the "Dirty Bird"

17. (21) BALTIMORE RAVENS

• Last week: Lost to Pittsburgh, 23-20 (+6)
• Actual Record: 2-1
• My predicted record: 1-2
• Points scored for me with wins: 13
• Points scored for me with losses: 6
  
• Points taken from me with wins: 10
• Points taken from me with losses: 0
• Plus/Minus: +9
  
• TEAM HAIKU:

It's still a wonder
how they lost this past Monday
but more wins shall come

17. (22) OAKLAND RAIDERS

• Last week: Lost to San Diego, 28-18 (+7)
• Actual Record: 1-3
• My predicted record: 0-4
• Points scored for me with wins: 0
• Points scored for me with losses: 22
  
• Points taken from me with wins: 13
• Points taken from me with losses: 0
• Plus/Minus: +9
  
• TEAM HAIKU:

Ghastly Al Davis
looks more decrepit each year,
just like his sad team

20. (18) MIAMI DOLPHINS

• Last week: BYE
  
• Actual Record: 1-2
• My predicted record: 0-3
• Points scored for me with wins: 0
• Points scored for me with losses: 23
• Points taken from me with wins: 15
• Points taken from me with losses: 0
• Plus/Minus: +8
  
• TEAM HAIKU:

A full week to boast
about thumping favored Pats,
now go back to bad

20. (23) SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

• Last week: Beat Oakland, 28-18 (+7)
  
• Actual Record: 2-2
• My predicted record: 3-1
• Points scored for me with wins: 11
  
• Points scored for me with losses: 2
• Points taken from me with wins: 0
• Points taken from me with losses: 5
• Plus/Minus: +8
  
• TEAM HAIKU:

Flirted yet again
with disappointing me more,
but lots of time left

22. (11) DENVER BRONCOS

• Last week: Lost to Kansas City, 33-19 (-13)
  
• Actual Record: 3-1
• My predicted record: 4-0
• Points scored for me with wins: 15
• Points scored for me with losses: 0
• Points taken from me with wins: 0
• Points taken from me with losses: 13
  
• Plus/Minus: +2
  
• TEAM HAIKU:

A crushing defeat
—to the winless Chiefs, no less!
Thanks a lot, fuckoes

23. (14) DALLAS COWBOYS

• Last week: Lost to Washington, 26-24 (-11)
  
• Actual Record: 3-1
• My predicted record: 3-1
• Points scored for me with wins: 17
• Points scored for me with losses: 0
• Points taken from me with wins: 6
• Points taken from me with losses: 11
• Plus/Minus: EVEN
  
• TEAM HAIKU:

Please prevent T.O.
from opening his yapper
anymore this year

24. (26) SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

• Last week: BYE
  
• Actual Record: 1-2
• My predicted record: 3-0
• Points scored for me with wins: 10
• Points scored for me with losses: 0
• Points taken from me with wins: 0
• Points taken from me with losses: 11
• Plus/Minus: -1
  
• TEAM HAIKU:

They make me queasy
like I can't trust them at all,
though loss seems safe bet

24. (16) WASHINGTON REDSKINS

• Last week: Beat Dallas, 26-24 (-11)
  
• Actual Record: 3-1
• My predicted record: 1-3
• Points scored for me with wins: 3
• Points scored for me with losses: 16
• Points taken from me with wins: 20
  
• Points taken from me with losses: 0
• Plus/Minus: -1
  
• TEAM HAIKU:

Was just beginning
to develop a liking
'til they beat Big D

26. (28) NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

• Last week: BYE
  
• Actual Record: 2-1
• My predicted record: 3-0
• Points scored for me with wins: 13
• Points scored for me with losses: 0
• Points taken from me with wins: 0
• Points taken from me with losses: 15
• Plus/Minus: -2
  
• TEAM HAIKU:

Not buying last loss,
as even Miami wins
once every year

27. (23) CINCINNATI BENGALS

• Last week: Lost to Cleveland, 20-12 (-5)
  
• Actual Record: 0-4
• My predicted record: 2-2
• Points scored for me with wins: 0
• Points scored for me with losses: 16
• Points taken from me with wins: 0
• Points taken from me with losses: 20
• Plus/Minus: -4
  
• TEAM HAIKU:

Depression runs deep
but at least fans in Cincy
have Ocho Cinco

28. (20) KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

• Last week: Beat Denver, 33-19 (-13)
  
• Actual Record: 0-3
• My predicted record: 1-2
• Points scored for me with wins: 0
• Points scored for me with losses: 17
• Points taken from me with wins: 13
  
• Points taken from me with losses: 13
• Plus/Minus: -9
  
• TEAM HAIKU:

I knew Herm would win one day,
but Denver was not
what I had in mind

28. (29) CHICAGO BEARS

• Last week: Beat Philadelphia, 24-20 (+1)
  
• Actual Record: 2-2
• My predicted record: 4-0
• Points scored for me with wins: 4
  
• Points scored for me with losses: 0
• Points taken from me with wins: 0
• Points taken from me with losses: 13
• Plus/Minus: -9
  
• TEAM HAIKU:

Just as I had said,
the Monsters of the Midway
thrive as underdog

30. (31) CAROLINA PANTHERS

• Last week: Beat Atlanta, 24-9 (+9)
  
• Actual Record: 3-1
• My predicted record: 2-2
• Points scored for me with wins: 9
• Points scored for me with losses: 0
• Points taken from me with wins: 11
• Points taken from me with losses: 8
• Plus/Minus: -10
  
• TEAM HAIKU:

Handled A-T-L
but I remain skeptical
for who knows how long

30. (30) TENNESSEE TITANS

• Last week: Beat Minnesota, 30-17 (+4)
  
• Actual Record: 4-0
• My predicted record: 1-3
• Points scored for me with wins: 4
  
• Points scored for me with losses: 0
• Points taken from me with wins: 14
• Points taken from me with losses: 0
• Plus/Minus: -10
  
• TEAM HAIKU:

Last week's win was fine
but going to play Ravens
sounds like some trouble

32. (32) JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

• Last week: Beat Houston, 30-27 (+3)
  
• Actual Record: 2-2
• My predicted record: 3-1
• Points scored for me with wins: 3
  
• Points scored for me with losses: 0
• Points taken from me with wins: 6
• Points taken from me with losses: 14
• Plus/Minus: -17
  
• TEAM HAIKU:

Needed overtime
just to beat freaking Texans,
screw job imminent

Game No. 163

Well, regardless of who wins this, my picks from the beginning of the season look positively dreadful. Yes, I correctly predicted perhaps the two easiest division races in baseball—and those are the only two teams I had in the playoffs.

Ouch.

Well anyway, I'm counting tomorrow night's one-game playoff to be the beginning of the post-season (c'mon ... it's on TBS!). That said, maybe I'm going to regret posting this item when I thought the picture would be even more ironic if Cleveland ended Chicago's season. But alas, here's how I see tomorrow night:

Chicago White Sox over Minnesota Twins

I don't know how else to describe this divisional finish, but any synonym for "ugly" will suffice. Had the final few weeks been more about two teams one-upping another with win after win instead of watching a pair of ballclubs stumble backwards at similar rates of disappointment.

But all things considered, the game will be played at The Cell rather than up in Minnesota, and that single "win-to-get-in" game comes on the heels of an already emotional victory over to Detroit just to stay alive. A few hours ago, the Twins weren't even sure where they were going to be sleeping tonight.

I'd caution Sox fans not to get too excited, seeing as a victory tomorrow only earns the winner a likely first-round exit at the hands of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays—but that's the Division Series, and we'll get to those picks tomorrow, when we know which is the eighth and final playoff team.

As time flies by

So, what I was saying a week ago, about how "fucking long ago" it seemed since that canoe race? Well, Sunday just kind of flew by.

I've been coming to grips with the fact that I'm an insomniac. Or at least I don't seem to either get tired or be able to fall asleep at what would be considered a reasonable hour. I blame this partly on me no longer sharing a bed with the girl, as was the case for the entire summer.

And even though my nights don't see me going out and getting wildly drunk anymore, I still just can't get my ass out of bed early in the morning, even when I'm stone sober.

I was fortunate to answer my uncle's third attempted call on Sunday morning, hopping out of bed and grabbing my Blackhawks hat before heading out the door and immediately wondering when I was going to be able to have a cigarette (I don't smoke in front of my aunt and uncle).

I had feared that I was going to be sore and exhausted by the time I arrived at work later that evening, but there was not an ounce of strain or any feeling of sweat by the time we reached the finish line just a little over an hour later. As I remarked to the girl later when she asked how things went, "We probably in line for food longer than we were in the water." I attributed my well-being to this being the first race that I was probably not hungover for.

The girl also asked if we had "won." I sort of scoffed, as though the question were silly, when in fact, it was totally reasonable. Considering herself "very competitive," she went on to describe how she would have been paddling furiously and finished with a superior time. I tried to explain that while the event is considered a race, I do it every year only because my uncle asks me to. It seems to make him happy and I get to tell myself that I participated. Everybody wins.

Then, of course, the results came in and when my uncle saw we finished ninth in our group, he immediately suggested how next year we could possibly put a little more time into our annual "familiarizing" session. You know, do the entire six miles and remind ourselves where those rough parts are going to be, plan ahead, that sort of thing.

And I'm trying not to think about where I'll be at this time next year. I'd be there in a heartbeat for the canoe race, I'm sure, but the girl's talking about moving. And she's talking about me moving with her. And I'm saying, "Well, it's not like I've got anything keeping me here."

I mentioned this briefly to B. Doggy on Saturday night after we were enjoying one of the last nice nights of the year that would allow us to sit in the beer garden. "I didn't realize you guys were that serious," he said.

Yeah, I guess I didn't really realize it either. If you're going by the length of time my relationships usually last, I guess this one's going longer than in more recent years.

But I'm not stressing about it, by any means. It's just kind of a marvel how fast some things seem to happen.

'Tis the (election) season

I know what I'm going to be wearing every day in October!


While that shirt from four years ago is still a crisp white and gets its laughs, I'm due for something new.

Week Four Picks

I couldn't find too many upsets I was comfortable with, but here we go:

13 points
Denver Broncos (3-0) over Kansas City Chiefs (0-3)

I'm guessing that most everybody else in the pool will have the same confidence.

12 points
Buffalo Bills (3-0) over St. Louis Rams (0-3)

As it concerns the number of people who will gamble on the Rams this week, my guess is two.


11 points
Dallas Cowboys (3-0) over Washington Redskins (2-1)

The Redskins could provide a scare, but I don't see Dallas having any trouble going to 4-0.


10 points
New York Jets (1-2) over Arizona Cardinals (2-1)

Brett Favre needs a win to take some pressure off and the Cardinals should make a suitable victim.


9 points
Carolina Panthers (2-1) over Atlanta Falcons (2-1)

Tough call, as Atlanta is tempting, but I'm going with the home team.


8 points
New Orleans Saints (1-2) over San Francisco 49ers (2-1)

And the home team once again gets the edge in another tough call, as San Francisco's defense is suspect.


7 points
San Diego Chargers (1-2) over Oakland Raiders (1-2)

Picking the Chargers is always risky business these days, but San Diego has had Oakland's number for a while now.


6 points
Pittsburgh Steelers (2-1) over Baltimore Ravens (2-0)

Two teams I like, but it's Pittsburgh at home on Monday night.


5 points
Cincinnati Bengals (0-3) over Cleveland Browns (0-3)

I feel Cincinnati is less suckier than Cleveland, but not by much.


4 points
Tennessee Titans (3-0) over Minnesota Vikings (1-2)

Any excuse to pick against the Vikings.


3 points
Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2) over Houston Texans (1-2)

Which almost certainly means the Texans will pull this off.


2 points
Green Bay Packers (2-1) over Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-1)

Brian Griese is allowed only one comeback per season, and that was last week.


1 point
Chicago Bears (1-2) over Philadelphia Eagles (2-1)

Because the Bears always seem to play their best when it's universally expected they will not.

Brand Me

I stood at the counter of the local 7-11, preparing to pay for my ice cream and Mountain Dew. The young guy behind the counter asked if I needed anything else and I think I said a pack of Camel Lights, because, after all, that's my brand.

But as I looked up from my small wad of cash, I caught a glimpse of the buy-one-get-one packs and saw a Camel brand in black boxes. I asked what they were.

"Oh, Camel Crush."

The name meant nothing to me, so I asked for specifics. The clerk went on to explain that the filter contained a capsule that, when squeezed, released a menthol flavoring.

I shrugged my shoulders. "Why not?" I said, figuring that even if they sucked, at least I had two packs to satisfy my fix.

I have had brief spans where I smoke menthol cigarettes, typically when I am seeing a girl who smokes menthols. The taste still reminds me of smoking immediately after rinsing your mouth with Listerine. But the upbeat thing to them is the quality of the buzz you can occasionally catch, something all too rare for myself, who smokes a pack a day.

The first thing I can tell you about Camel Crush is that the capsule doesn't crack easily. I had to use my nails to actually hear the thing break, and even then, I was wondering if I'd actually torn into the filter. But after now finishing an entire pack, I have to admit to a mild pleasure derived from the gimmick of hearing a little pop in your cigarette and then noticing the change in taste.

It does, however, raise some concern. I do realize I'm talking about smoking here, but when I was inhaling and exhaling each Crush last night, I wondered what new chemicals I was adding to the already hazardous smoke I was filling my lungs with. Did this transformation to menthol mid-smoke somehow make the cigarettes even more lethal? Will I be lying on my death bed 30 20 10 a few years from now, wheezing and hacking as a young metrosexual doctor scribbles something down on his clipboard, shakes his head and sighs before saying, "If you only hadn't smoked those damn Crushes ..."

Of course, one pack of Crushes gone and one to go, I'm already tiring of the menthol taste—and that's not good, because without the crushed capsule, the actual cigarettes taste like those cheapened ones people buy when they're trying to reduce the level of nicotine. I get to see the girl for the first time in a few weeks tomorrow and I'll be sure to have her try one. When I tell her I probably won't buy them again, she'll almost certainly use that as the opportunity to point out that maybe quitting would be a good idea.

But quitting is out of the question.

I found a pack of my usual brand, the Camel Lights, under my bed this afternoon. I'm already looking forward to opening them and being reminded of what I was missing.