Showing posts with label gratuitous. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gratuitous. Show all posts

Sunday, February 28, 2010

The BMC Vault: Terry Boers goes to Olympics, angers animal-rights activists

Welcome to The BMC Vault, yet another tag recently created that will hopefully provide future excuses to post. Since so many online publications decide to be dicks and not leave some of their really great older stuff available for the sake of our posterity, I'm trying to lend a helping hand in the name of humanity. Requests for future installments can be sent here.

I know I'm becoming an old man because the only television show I watch every single week is This Week with [Person Replacing George Stephanopoulos]. During the week, I almost never watch anything on the tube, only exception being the game of one of my favorite teams or of some national significance.

Most of the days, I listen to AM sports talk radio—more specifically, Boers and Bernstein. Terry Boers is already an old man, but a far more entertaining and a far more accomplished one than I. Still, I took some comfort in his comments this past Friday in regards to the recent news bit regarding Tiger Woods and PETA. Unfortunately, I don't think a podcast of that particular clip is available at the moment, but Boers went on to describe his own experience in dealing with animal-rights activists after penning a column during his trip to the 1988 Summer Olympics in Seoul where the former Sun-Times columnist was served dog while dining out.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

"FLY ON THE WALL II"

INT. UNITED CENTER - THURSDAY, JULY 23, 2009, 4:20 P.M.

FORMER GENERAL MANAGER DALE TALLON sits behind an empty desk, SNIFFLES as he scribbles a hand-written note in pen. He pauses to wipe a tear away as he looks over the letter.

BLACKHAWKS "SENIOR ADVISOR" DALE TALLON (V.O.)
Dearest Marty ... You have to know how much it hurts me every waking moment of every single day that we are now separated from one another in this godforsaken world. While I'm eternally grateful that Rocky's still a big ol' sentimental son-of-a-gun and is keeping me on the payroll, I can't tell you how sorry I am that those goddamned Bowmans came in here and let McDonough disrespect you like that. You obviously have to know that you would still be a Chicago Blackhawk today if you had simply just——
Door FLIES OPEN.

BLACKHAWKS GENERAL MANAGER STAN BOWMAN
Dale, did you get that paperwork for "BWAH" filed like I asked you?
Tallon opens desk drawer, quickly pulls out a stack of blank papers. He begins fumbling with them, putting his letter to Havlat in the back of the pile.
DALE
Oh, it——it's here somewhere. Ha-ha-how didja' spell that feller's name again?

STAN
Just like it sounds, man. "BWAH": B-O-I-S ... "BWAH."

DALE
Oh, yeah. (chuckles nervously) Of course. Of course, I knew that.
Door FLIES OPEN.

BLACKHAWKS PRESIDENT JOHN MCDONOUGH
Fuckin-A! You guys got the game on in here?

Dale and Stan look at each other, then back to John. They shrug their shoulders.

JOHN
That hillbilly on that other baseball team in Chicago's got a perfect game going right now! You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

Stan nods knowingly.
STAN
Ah, I see.
(RUBS CHIN)
Make the necessary calls?
Door FLIES OPEN, GIRLS SHRIEKING.

BLACKHAWKS RIGHT WING MARIAN HOSSA
Sorry guys, am I late?

JOHN
Terrific, you're here. What are your plans tomorrow?

MARIAN
Well, I actually had planned on trying to spend the weekend with my brother. I haven't seen him in, gosh, I don't know how long. He really hasn't sounded the same lately. But we were going to——

JOHN
How's your shoulder feeling?
Marian shrugs.
MARIAN
I don't know. Still a little sore, I guess. What, do you guys want to give me a physical——you know, now that I've already gone and signed a twelve-year deal with ya?
John and Stan nod "yes" vigorously.
STAN
We feel you should take it from our team doctor, Marian.
Door FLIES OPEN.
BLACKHAWKS HEAD TEAM PHYSICIAN MICHAEL TERRY, M.D.
You guys needed those X-rays?
STAN
Doctor, how does it look?

MICHAEL
Well, we feel that without immediate surgery, Marian's going to run the risk of suffering something like this.
Michael hands X-rays to John and Stan. They both do a FULL-BODY SHIVER.
MARIAN
What? Is it bad?
Stan sets the X-rays on Tallon's desk.
STAN
That's it. Buddy, cancel your trip. We're putting you under the knife tomorrow.
Stan SLAPS Marian on his bad shoulder. Sound of horrified women SCREAMING.
MARIAN
Shit ... easy, man.
Dale slides the Havlat letter out from the bottom of his pile of blank papers. John turns on the television set in the corner of the office.

JOHN
Dale, write this down.

Dale flips over the Havlat letter, pulls a pen from his breast pocket. On the TV, DeWayne Wise does THIS.

JOHN
"For immediate release: The Chicago Blackhawks announced today that team savior Marian Hossa——"

OTHER BLACKHAWKS "SENIOR ADVISOR" SCOTTY BOWMAN
(clears throat)
STAN
"Right wing Marian Hossa."

JOHN
Right ... "Right wing Marian Hossa will undergo surgery tomorrow, June 24, on his right shoulder to operate on ... you know, something not worth freaking out about."

MICHAEL
It's just a small rotator cuff tear. I mean, he'll miss the season-opener, maybe another 20, 40 games. You know, no biggie.
Dale stops writing, glances at the Havlat letter on the other side.
JOHN
We need to get this out to the media immediately. If we can get him in and out without anybody noticing, there'll be no point in making a big stink about it while he's recovering.

MARIAN
Works for me, I guess. But I mean, can I get the actual surgery done maybe like Monday. You know, still see my brother this weekend and THEN, go under the knife.
Stan and John look at Marian, then each other. They both rub their chins and look to Scotty.

SCOTTY
(clears throat)

John throws his hands up in the air and tilts his head with a look of, "Aw, shucks."
JOHN
Well, no arguing with you Scotty. You know best. Sorry there, Mirian, but sounds like your little bro's gonna just have to wait to see you when you're in recovery.
Mirian's shoulders sag in disappointment.
JOHN
This works out too perfectly. Gentlemen, are we all goddamned geniuses or what?
Door FLIES OPEN.

BLACKHAWKS CHAIRMAN ROCKY WIRTZ
Uh, John ... sorry to interrupt, but somebody's here to see you.

John and Stan look to one another, confused.

JOHN
Who?

NHL DEPUTY COMMISSIONER BILL DALY
Sixty-three million dollars over a dozen years? Are you serious?

SCOTTY
(clears throat)

STAN
I think what my father meant to say was, "Sixty-two-point-eight."
BILL
Well, I think the NHL would like to ask you a few questions about it and something called a "collective bargaining agreement."
John, Rocky, Stan and Scotty all SLAP HANDS across the sides of their faces.

FREEZE on moment, title card:

"TO BE CONTINUED?"

FADE OUT

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Top Ten Movies of the 1990s

Back when I was being paid—or at least reimbursed for the cost of attendance—to review movies, I used to love the point near the end of the year when I'd think back to how I'd be arranging my Top Ten list. Now that I barely see enough new releases a year to craft such an annual list, I couldn't help but get a little giddy about the thought of putting together the imminent Best of the Decade-type lists were going to be getting near the end of this year.

Back before some of us got married, had kids or got arrested multiple times for driving under the influence, we used to play bumper pool all the time. One night we actually took the time to begin a Yahoo Group site for our organization, as though we would recruit similar bumper pool enthusiasts. And then, of course, we promptly began to use the site's message board to post often ill-advised comments of a personal nature that ultimately hurt somebody's feelings (read: usually the most metrosexual—and thus, least interested in the actual bumper pool—member of the group).

During one particular afternoon, I posted a hungover group of lists about the 1990s, a collection of "Top Fives." I found this post the other day and realized that I'd probably still stand by the five films I picked. And then, I thought, I wondered what would happen if I expanded the list to the usual 10 movies.

Of course, I also remembered that what I hated doing after experiencing the joy of putting the list together was trying to also have 10 accompanying brief synopses that did not repeat the same line of critical thought (i.e. pick one "breakthrough" performance, but any more than that is overusing the idea and thus invalidating your opinion and overzealous need to anoint one, etc.). So that said, I'll probably end up doing that anyway and these movies are all now more than a decade old, so excuse me if my comments don't necessarily lay out the plot for you, OK? I'm just trying to crank this shit out.

And that said, I guess my immediate thought is "How has this film aged, and why is it still as good to me now as it was 10 (+ in most cases) years ago?":


10. The People vs. Larry Flynt (1996)

The movie starred Woody Harrelson, but the decision to cast Courtney Love was what I remember there being hooplah about it—made all the more complicated by the fact that she was actually good in it. Considering that Madonna was also getting a lead actress push for "Evita," there was an imminent backlash against the idea that stars of MTV videos were just going to take up some acting and start collecting Oscars. Of course, neither ended up being nominated.

Beyond all the attention that Love was earning the movie, there was the fact that the Academy Award-winning director of "Amadeus" was putting out a film that feminists were accusing of glorifying Larry Flynt. And because it was a biopic, there was the usual complaints about how much of the man's life was actually there (i.e. no mention of Flynt's first three wives, etc.).

But few could deny the magnificence of the performances Forman received—not just from the aforementioned leads or the always brilliant Edward Norton, but all around a wide cast of characters that created a movie with an overhwhelming number of comical scenes that still illicit full-out gut-clutching laughter to this day.

And even many of the film's nitpicking detractors found it difficult to deny that the First Amendment issue at the heart of the film—a representation of the battle between sexuality and purity in America that still goes on today—captures the very essence of free speech. It was Flynt who helped mainstream pornography, having done time in prison and suffering paralyzation while fighting with the belief that, in a line oft-quoted by the critics, "If they'll protect a scumbag like me, then they'll protect all of you."


9. Being John Malkovich (1999)

"Original" seemed to be the word that got used a lot to describe Spike Jonze's surreal feature—but many people were left without any words to describe what they'd seen. The endlessly imaginitive script from Charlie Kaufman went far beyond the simple suggestions that "Malkovich" was just a wry jab about virtual reality or celebrity worship. Indeed, the film couldn't have done better in capturing the fascination we'd all have with what it would be like to be another person.

And while it would be stupid to say I couldn't see anybody else in the lead but John Malkovich, I mean that I don't think the film would have been anywhere near as effective had it been about any other celebrity. Because Malkovich strikes us as such a self-effacing performer, it only makes the moment all the more delirious when he embarks on one of the decade's most memorable scenes and enters the portal to his own brain.

And even if detractors held some minor reservations with some of the backward logic Kaufman used toward the film's end, its final underwater shot still leaves me feeling uncommonly haunted.


8. Hoop Dreams (1994)

Perhaps you were like me and entered your first viewing of "Hoop Dreams" thinking that while you were in store for a few rough moments, the film would certainly adhere to the usual triumph of the common sports fairy tale. But this documentary that grabbed attention by not getting much from the Oscars that year was a stunning work of intense editing, one that resulted in that rarest type of film: a nearly three-hour running time that doesn't seem like enough.

To watch "Hoop Dreams" though, is an incredible experience in which the viewer must endure competing feelings of hope and despair throughout the five years of life it captures from its two high school subjects. And even now, it's harder to tell which moment hits me harder: William Gates trying to convince himself that he can't end up like his older brother, Curtis, a former high school star and now a tragic figure; or Arthur Agee having his father end a game of basketball so he can complete a drug deal.

There were certainly some other great documentaries released in the 1990s, but "Hoop Dreams" stands out to me as the decade's strongest example of a case where "you can't make this stuff up."


7. Schindler's List (1993)

I won't reach for a comparative example, but "Schindler's List" is sort of the "universal truth movie" for the decade. And by that, I mean a movie who's quality was so immediately recognized and accepted, that it strikes me as pointless to try and essentially tell you what you do not already know. If anything, you might be asking me why this isn't ranked higher.

But then again, anything this widely accepted has to invite some sort of backlash. And so maybe you weren't crazy about that ending.

"Schindler's List" is the only film on this list that I do not own, but it's power never fails to amaze me. For some of the complaints I've had about other works from Steven Spielberg over the years, I think he's remarkably gifted at using violence. It's evident here and, more recently, in "Munich." The overdose of gore and splatter, cuts and jumps from most directors nowadays isn't even close to the effect that I find here, where a number of shots or simple moments with a seemingly minimal or quick act strike me harder than I'm prepared for.

I don't know how you put into words the proper praise for a film that you feel captures so much emotion of one of the most horrific events of the last decade, other than to say that it is an immediate classic almost certain to be the new standard by which all other films striving to become historical accompaniments will be judged.


6. The Player (1992)

You'd never guess that one of the decade's best genuine thrillers would also be one of its sharpest satires, and yet there was Robert Altman reminding everyone just how it was done. "The Player" was the best film Altman had made since ... well, before I was born.

If you're going to take a swing at somebody, you might as well make it count and in "The Player," Altman never fails to dazzle you with what he's able to do. The film's memorable eight-minute opening shot is a reminder of how the qualities that became distinctly Altmanesque are still used best when employed by the master, such as the overlapping dialogue and dozens of cameos that almost create a feel of eavesdropping.

When Tim Robbins' movie studio VP, Griffin Mill, suddenly finds himself trying to evade arrest for murdering the wrong writer—in addition to romancing his fiancee—it's hardly any wonder that we find ourselves sympathizing with him to get away with murder. The ending's sarcastically full-circle feel proves to cynically reinforce the dreams made and reinforced by the very entertainment structure Altman's just skewered.


5. Fargo (1996)

Perhaps I'm the sucker for always citing this when asked what my favorite Coen Brothers film is, but it still strikes me as the most solid selection from a highly reputable body of work. You wouldn't get an argument from me if you selected, say, "Blood Simple" or their recent Best Picture winner, "No Country for Old Men." "Miller's Crossing" was probably my favorite film of the first year of this decade.

In "Fargo," however, it's Frances McDormand's performance as Marge Gunderson that brings the heart to what would have otherwise been another ransom plot gone awry. It's McDormand's pregnant police chief who gives "Fargo" the moral compass it needs to counteract the blood-splattered humor.

And there's a lot of humor to be found in "Fargo," to be sure. (You never really do think of a wood chipper the same way.)

I still view the Coens characterization of the Midwest and its residents to be an appreciative one, warmer than most of the film's critics believed. The Minnesota dialogue is distinctively Coen, but I think the film's final scene effectively celebrates the human life most haters seem to think the filmmakers have always taken for granted.


4. Boogie Nights (1997)

Too bad for Spielberg that a year before "Saving Private Ryan" was released and audiences were rattled by his depiction of D-Day, we were all probably still coming down from seeing Alfred Molina sing along to Rick Springfield while firecrackers were going off. It was the most glorious scene of the decade, but a symbolic representation of the life that P.T. Anderson brought to each scene of his porn epic.

And just as Courtney Love and Madonna were mentioned earlier, how odd is it now to think that at one time it was questioned how well Mark Wahlberg could perform? Indeed, "Boogie Nights" has a huge cast without a false note, but it's a testament to how good Wahlberg was here that "Marky Mark" seems like a distant memory.

Then again, so too does the spirit of the 1970s, a time which Anderson captures beautifully in his admittedly dark second-half transition to the 1980s. Because the movie is somewhat about pornography, there's the obvious metaphorical implication of the transition to videotape in the film. But beyond that is a larger sense of a care-free optimism in personal indulgence and satisfaction; it's a feeling, the film suggests, that became an addiction.


3. The Truman Show (1998)

And speaking of the reputation an actor once had, I still remember the lukewarm (at best) reaction to Peter Weir's masterpiece upon its release. "It wasn't funny," was the response I often heard. Considering that Jim Carrey at the time was better known (and more popular) for "Ace Ventura," "Fire Marshall Bill" and his basic reputation as a slapstick caricature, his star turn here was too much for some people to swallow.

You'd hope people have caught up by now, because it didn't take long for it to become obvious how ahead of its time "The Truman Show" really was. I mean, could you imagine a strange world in which the main character was the subject of a 24-hour television show since the day of his birth—and a nation of people glued to their televisions watching it, reciting catch phrases and debating romantic interests?

But "The Truman Show" wasn't just a clever reflection of the audience probably paying to see it. And even beyond the way Weir brilliantly makes an evil world feel like something straight out of Disney, Jim Carrey's Truman Burbank is the ideal represenation of perhaps the 90s' best example of a characteristic that is shared by all great films: the human spirit. It's only fitting that Truman spends the entire movie trying to find a fourth wall to break through, and all the more sweeter when he finally does.


2. Pulp Fiction (1994)

In all fairness, I cannot think of a more important movie to come out of the 1990s. But without diminishing what I said about "Schindler's List," it needs to be remembered what movies were like before "Pulp Fiction" came out.

Hollywood talent rarely did the art house circuit because the line separating the mainstream and the independent features was so clearly defined. While Quentin Tarantino's classic might have spawned a litany of piss-poor imitators and wannabes, it also dissolved the notion that no movie was too small for big stars.

Oh, and it didn't hurt that "Pulp Fiction" was an exhilarating shot of adrenaline straight to every moviegoer's heart, a masterful direction of tone in black comedy and genuine suspense that felt genius in how it borrowed from its influences while still feeling completely original. The success of Taranatino's dialogue and style earned him the usual backlash when many tried to unsuccessfully copy the three films-in-one sort of feel, but each groan-inducing effort to replicate that rare sort of visceral reaction we all initially had to "Pulp Fiction" actually stands as more proof of how priceless the film truly is.


1. In the Company of Men (1997)

Because nothing has brought me more joy than each person that has forever questioned my judgment and still, to this day, doesn't let me forget recommending Neil LaBute's blackest-of-black comedies to them.

I remember championing the film during its release year, because the very independent film (it was shot in something like two weeks on a budget about the size of a semester's college tuition) was the polar opposite of the heavy-hitter that year, "Titanic." But additionally, "In the Company of Men" was remarkable in how speechless it left me after my initial viewing that summer.

And that was just when I thought I knew what the movie was about.

The way it's presented by LaBute, "In the Company of Men" appears to be about how two average white-collar guys decide to both romance and then simultaneously dump an unsuspecting, down-on-her-luck female. That aspect of the plot—which works despite its predictability because the viewer still can't help but get sucked into—is not, of course, what the movie is truly about.

I still consider LaBute's to be the most masterful sleight of hand I saw in the entire decade. For even now, when I explain to these same people who for years have voiced the usual misinterpretation about the film (misogyny?), it's still sort of a sick joy for me to watch the film with someone who's seeing it for the very first time. Only then do you realize how well LaBute really executed the concept, which was to immediately introduce a premise that would shock a large segment of the audience, and then cleverly hide the hints to the movie's real motive throughout where only a select few might notice. The end result is a film that some will love and some will hate, but nobody emerges without feeling something.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Mytonic what?

The restaurant has partnered with the local chapter of the Make-A-Wish Foundation to help raise money for a 16-year-old kid suffering from something called "mytonic dystrophy."

Yeah, I'd never heard of it either but I assumed it was pretty bad.

But it couldn't have been worse than some of the reactions I got from a couple of the tables I sought a mere one dollar donation from. When one lady asked what the ailment was, I correctly described it as what my manager informed me was "muscles being able to contract but not relax."

The woman read over the flier we have sitting on the table with the sugar caddy and ketchup, nodding and then saying, "Well, it sounds like he's doing OK though, right?"

My first thought was, "Yeah, well debilitating disease and all aside, I guess so ... selfish cunt."

In all fairness, a majority of people do cough up the buck and no further thought is given to the matter. But times are obviously tough and an extra dollar on the bill—even for a good cause—is asking too much for others.

I came to realize the woman I referred to actually had a point. Whomever created the flier we're supposed to be using to try and squeeze money from patrons for obviously forgot to mention the hardships this disease creates for the kid. Instead, the disease is simply listed underneath his name, age, and city of residence. Then there's a paragraph that goes on to explain where the youngster lives, how he spends his free time, and how he would really want to go to Hawaii. Absolutely nothing about, say, the fact that his condition makes his muscles "become weak and waste away."

You'd think they might have wanted to mention that.

So, I did a quick bit of research to print out and carry with me at work for those situations in which I'm dealing with the types of people who simply can't get past that initial hurdle of thinking only of themselves.

And when I typed "Make-A-Wish" into Google's image search, this photo was one of the ones that came up on the second page. I printed that out as well, figuring that it couldn't hurt to carry that around for tables with limited English skills. After all, it might help with the tip ... assuming they've got another buck to spare.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

"FLY ON THE WALL"

INT. UNITED CENTER - THURSDAY MORNING

DALE TALLON
Savvy, get in here.

DENIS SAVARD
Yeah, Dale?

DALE
What's this I'm reading about that Khabibulin guy being in goal last night? What about that other fella' I brought in here? The French one.

DENIS
But Dale, we won the game! Nikolai made 29 saves!

Tallon rubs his chin, shakes his head. He sighs deeply.

DENIS
What else could you possibly want from me?

DALE
Well I don't know. Scotty, what do you think?

SCOTTY BOWMAN
Fire him.

DENIS
WHAT?!


Tallon shrugs his shoulders.

DALE
Sorry, Savvy. You know how it is.

DENIS
But we're only four games into the season! You can't be serious! We were three freaking points away from making the playoffs last year!


Tallon looks over to Bowman.

DALE
Scotty? A little help here?

SCOTTY
Fire him.

Tallon looks back to Savard, points to the door.

DALE
You heard the man.


Savard walks toward the door.

DENIS
This is unbelievable. What do you think you're going to do now? Who could you possibly bring in?


Door FLIES OPEN.

JOEL QUENNEVILLE
Am I late?

DENIS
What the hell are you doing here? I thought you were just some part-time scout now.

Quenneville HICCUPS, waves his hand in front of his mouth.

JOEL
Nope. I'm your replacement, dickhead.

DENIS
What? Have you even committed to the Indian yet?


Quenneville HICCUPS again. Savard winces.

DENIS
What is that? Bourbon?

DALE
We're going in a new direction, Savvy. This guy's been a winner in St. Louis, Colorado, and he just doesn't have any baggage.

DENIS
But he just got a D.U.I.! Last month! For driving without his freaking headlights on!

DALE
Yeah, well ...


Quenneville VOMITS in trash can, wipes mouth with sleeve.

SCOTTY
Make him leave.


Tallon places hand on Savard's shoulder.

DALE
I can walk you out if you'd like.

DENIS
But he hasn't even committed to the Indian! I thought you guys loved that stuff.

Door FLIES OPEN.


JOHN MCDONOUGH
Woo hoo! We're on our way now!

DENIS
John, how could you do this to me? He didn't commit to the Indian!

JOHN
Savvy, Savvy, Savvy. Don't worry. We loved that whole thing where you got pissed last year and pushed the jerseys ... It was all great. Really, it was.

DENIS
But?

JOHN
But we're going in a new direction. Don't worry though. You'll always be a part of the family.


Door FLIES OPEN.


ROCKY WIRTZ
Did you tell him yet?

JOHN
Yeah, just broke the news.

ROCKY
How ya' feelin', Denny?

DENIS
Miserable. I didn't even see this coming. It's almost as though you took somebody very close to me and slashed their throat with a skate, and I'm now watching them bleed to death all over a fresh sheet of ice, gasping for air and looking to me for help and all I'm able to do is——

Door FLIES OPEN.


TOMMY HAWK
Can I finally take this fucking thing off?

ROCKY
Sure. Give it to Denny here. He should probably see if it will fit.


Tommy Hawk removes headgear.


BOBBY HULL
God damn ... Hot as a cunt in that thing.

DENIS
You're making me the fucking mascot?

ROCKY
Hey, Denny, do we need to remind you ...

ROCKY, BOBBY, DALE and JOHN
(in unison)
YOU COMMITTED TO THE INDIAN!


Quenneville VOMITS in trash can again.

SCOTTY
Get him out of here.

DENIS
You're talking about him, right?

Savard points to Quenneville, still bent over trash can. Bowman shakes his head "NO."

Monday, October 06, 2008

"Hey, you! Yeah, the one that made these shoes!"

What do you call these? Fuck yeah I'm talking about my work shoes! What else would I be pointing at?!

Don't stare blankly at me! What gives here?

I mean, you've been making the same shoes for me for how many years now? And we've always had a pretty cool agreement, don't you think?

You think?!

I mean, what, twenty bucks every nine months or so? Does that sound about right?

Nod your head yes, please.

Please.

OK, forget it.

Look, I don't ask for much, but me having to actually put some of my own time into, um, "maintaining" these shit-kickers is kinda' fucking ridiculous, don't you think? And I mean, normally, I'd just throw the bitches out and buy a new pair.

But I've only had these latest models for, what, three months? Four?

Hold up some fingers or something. Jesus, give me a sign.

I hate to tell you this, but I think the quality of your work is really on the decline. I mean, the whole thing started right here, inside the shoe. Yeah, you see what's in there now? Those are from some dude named Dr. Scholls, I think. Maybe it was the generic brand. I don't know—but that's not the point here.

The point is that I never would have bought those "foot support" things had the inside of my goddamn shoe not been coming out of it on its own!

Yeah, cover your nose. I know they smell like shit. Know why? That's because the bottoms of these shoes already have gigantic, gaping holes in them! Do you know what that's like? To be trying to grab four kiwi lemonades for some group of obese wannabe prostitutes while your feet are submerged in dirty water!

No, it's not fun.

I don't want new ones. I just want to ride these babies out. But I'm disappointed that it had to end like this. You and I, I mean. Unless you make the fancy stuff. 'Cause that's what I'm intending to buy next. We've had a good run, though. Me, you, these corporate-enforced "slip-resistant" shoes that fail to resist slips because I'm just another klutzy stoner not really interested in making a fashion statement (unless I'm wearing this, but that's different, of course).

Still, just let me slip these back on, show myself out, and maybe I'll find a path where my feet don't have to get wet.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

'Tis the (election) season


I know what I'm going to be wearing every day in October!


While that shirt from four years ago is still a crisp white and gets its laughs, I'm due for something new.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Brand Me

I stood at the counter of the local 7-11, preparing to pay for my ice cream and Mountain Dew. The young guy behind the counter asked if I needed anything else and I think I said a pack of Camel Lights, because, after all, that's my brand.

But as I looked up from my small wad of cash, I caught a glimpse of the buy-one-get-one packs and saw a Camel brand in black boxes. I asked what they were.

"Oh, Camel Crush."

The name meant nothing to me, so I asked for specifics. The clerk went on to explain that the filter contained a capsule that, when squeezed, released a menthol flavoring.

I shrugged my shoulders. "Why not?" I said, figuring that even if they sucked, at least I had two packs to satisfy my fix.

I have had brief spans where I smoke menthol cigarettes, typically when I am seeing a girl who smokes menthols. The taste still reminds me of smoking immediately after rinsing your mouth with Listerine. But the upbeat thing to them is the quality of the buzz you can occasionally catch, something all too rare for myself, who smokes a pack a day.

The first thing I can tell you about Camel Crush is that the capsule doesn't crack easily. I had to use my nails to actually hear the thing break, and even then, I was wondering if I'd actually torn into the filter. But after now finishing an entire pack, I have to admit to a mild pleasure derived from the gimmick of hearing a little pop in your cigarette and then noticing the change in taste.

It does, however, raise some concern. I do realize I'm talking about smoking here, but when I was inhaling and exhaling each Crush last night, I wondered what new chemicals I was adding to the already hazardous smoke I was filling my lungs with. Did this transformation to menthol mid-smoke somehow make the cigarettes even more lethal? Will I be lying on my death bed 30 20 10 a few years from now, wheezing and hacking as a young metrosexual doctor scribbles something down on his clipboard, shakes his head and sighs before saying, "If you only hadn't smoked those damn Crushes ..."

Of course, one pack of Crushes gone and one to go, I'm already tiring of the menthol taste—and that's not good, because without the crushed capsule, the actual cigarettes taste like those cheapened ones people buy when they're trying to reduce the level of nicotine. I get to see the girl for the first time in a few weeks tomorrow and I'll be sure to have her try one. When I tell her I probably won't buy them again, she'll almost certainly use that as the opportunity to point out that maybe quitting would be a good idea.

But quitting is out of the question.

I found a pack of my usual brand, the Camel Lights, under my bed this afternoon. I'm already looking forward to opening them and being reminded of what I was missing.

Monday, September 22, 2008

—

There ... Did that work?

/writer clicks "Preview"

It did! Fantastic!

Now ... what happens when I try typing it in again?

—

/writer clicks "Preview" again

Terrific! It looks like the em dash should appear just fine.

/writer publishes post

UPDATE: WTF?! Why does the stupid Blogger software make em dashes become little annoying black boxes of retardation (or something like that)?

This is why I spend more time on Tumblr now ...

/writer publishes post, signs out of Blogger

EVEN LATER UPDATE: Apparently, changing my theme fixed the problem ... because I'm sure you were losing sleep over this, of course.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

When Chipper can't kill the ball ...

... I guess he'll still be killing something in the off-season:

Thursday, January 31, 2008

24 Months Later ...


It's a very exciting day, of course, because this little blog is now officially two years old. Oh sure, when I'd started this thing, the original idea was simply to throw up random numbers and statistics in the news. I hoped to continue doing what I had been doing at the time, which was finding amusing material for a sidebar entitled "Roamin' Numerals" in the commentary section I was editing at the time.

So, this blog began with that idea and, hence, the URL you see there was also the original name.

And while I saw no reason to write about myself, that, of course, inevitably happened. And then came the equally inevitable political rants, predictions about sports & the Academy Awards and just quick links to things I wanted to share but didn't feel like e-mailing people (sometimes).

Today, "Soapbox Central" has been somewhat usurped by the blog I'm keeping over on my MySpace. But now that this little baby is two years old, I'm wondering what I'll plan on doing with it.

We'll get back to that, but when I think back to some of the highlights from the first two years of "Soapbox," these were the posts that sprang to mind and allowed me to pretend I'm posting something new:

- People still doubt the truth of the "Little White Button"

- It took 29 years, but I finally conquered my fear of roller coasters

- You better recognize the importance of choral music, bitches

- Friday the 13th proved to be rather memorable

- I can make a Greek fire me by uttering just two words

- We're going to the Super Bowl! (... and losing ...)

- Halloween is not a "holiday" I'm particularly fond of

- Memo to overly loving couples: We don't think you're cute, just pathetic

- Apparently, even cats can get constipated

- Wait a minute—a member of a boy band is gay?!

- Please don't let me take any more sales jobs

- I may have had a roommate, apparently

- Sweet Lord, don't get me started on abortion

- I finally competed in the town's annual canoe race

- If I shave my chest again, boy, she better make it worth my while

- I finally graduated college ... and then proceeded to spend an entire week celebrating it

- And, of course, where it all began ...

There is a very good chance that I'm going to utilize MySpace for the personal shit, a new site for the commentary shit and "Soapbox" for, well, who knows.

Strap in, folks. If the next two years is half as interesting as the past two, we're in for another pretty fucking good ride.

Friday, January 11, 2008

And Now For Something Completely—Well, Mildly Different

Obviously, I've used some of my old writings from the Fiction classes at Columbia on different occasions to substitute as blog posts over here for a couple reasons.

First off, most of the stuff was items I came across and just kind of liked. Secondly, most of my blogging these days revolving around, you know, my "personal life" is done over at my MySpace, which can be found over here (if you'd like to read those, I believe you need to be added as a friend first—which isn't much of a hurdle when you consider that roughly half of my "friends" are bands, celebrities or porn stars).

Anyway, I'm (again) trying to get back into the habit of posting here once a week, so fully expect completely random journal entries which may or may not be:

- True

- About me

- Entertaining

- Relevant to anything, really

I decided last night when going through my journal while getting drunk with the ex that a lot of the stuff I had originally written when first starting this journal was not exactly sworn to secrecy.

Here's your first example:

"Journal Entry 1.3"


I spent the better part of my morning engulfed in a truly compassionate conversation with absolutely nobody. Now, I'm not crazy or on too many drugs; I simply get this way when I happen to misplace my keys.

Asking the walls questions they could not possibly answer, promising the microwave what I'll do when I find what I'm looking for, reminding the mirror that this is not a laughing matter. You'd be surprised how the question of "Who the fuck are you even talking to?" never comes up. Not even once.

Undoubtedly, if these inanimate objects could suddenly lend advice during this most recent production of "Derek's Disgruntled Theatre," the words would be less than helpful and only infuriate me further.

"Well, where's the last place you left them?" the refrigerator might ask.

"Are you sure they're not in the car?" my bed would add.

"I thought you had them a second ago," the sofa could observe.

In the reckless path of destruction left behind from my search, I'll usually make note of anywhere between seven and seven hundred different things I need to consider doing ... immediately—after I find my keys, of course.

Oddly enough, when I finally do discover that I had absentmindedly failed to check the pockets of the jeans I had been wearing the previous night, I can't think of what to do next.

Perhaps it was an hour, or maybe it was two. The entire span of time was intensely focused on one thing, yet I have effectively managed to convince myself that my life is completely out of order and the dam is going to burst very soon. Now with my keys, you'd think I'd get cracking.

I also retrieved a phone number from the same pocket I had found my keys in. She had sounded sincere when she gave it to me, so maybe this time I won't inexplicably be speaking to the sixteen-year-old kid who happened to answer the phone at the local McDonald's. "Naw, there ain't no Gina workin' here I know of."

Yeah, I didn't think there would be.

I could call her now, see if the digits, you know, "check out." Knowing my luck, she'll probably be in the middle of doing something. "Argh," she'd groan. "I'm sorry, it's just that I can't find my goddam house keys."

At that point, knowing how little I could help and how very much I could only make things worse, I'd simply say, "I guess I'll let you go."

Sometimes it's best just to figure those things out for yourself.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Let's Make Some Shit Up

I've openly questioned the benefit of having spent an extra semester at college to finish out my minor in "Fiction Writing." And while continuing my ongoing cleaning of the basement, I keep coming along items like the one I'm posting below.

A word of explanation here: The assignment was to parody Hubert Selby Jr.'s infamous "Last Exit to Brooklyn" passage about "Tralala," where the character in question is gang-raped and the graphic description goes on for several pages without any punctuation. So we were allowed two sentences and then see how far we could push the material without ever stopping.

You tell me:

"A Midsummer Night's Scream"


The reflection of the moonlight rippled on the lake's surface. Frogs croaked, crickets chirped, a pair of oars fought through the water. Ben rowed from the weighed-down end and Melissa would snort a line at the other end maybe saying something about not rocking the boat and so Ben would stop for a second and Melissa would snort and she'd throw her head back sniffling and batting her eyes and clearing her throat and then she'd set the metal lunchbox down when all the coke was gone and stand up and pull her pink tank top off and throw it at Ben who was rowing again and grunting as his arms grew tired and weak and sore and Melissa unbottoned her jeans and slid them down her long legs and she's sit back down kicking and tugging to remove her pants and Ben kept rowing and trying not to make his hard-on to obvious and trying not to think about how long it's been since that first time since that night since they were last here in the middle of the this lake in the middle of the night when the dock was there like it had always been there and it seemed like that place just that place for any two who were as hot or as horny be it in love or in lust when two bodies can't tear themselves apart and there's no need to row any further because the boat is as close to the dead-center of the lake where something was floating and it was as close or as far as anybody along the shore could hear or could see and Melissa drunkenly tip-toed the center of the creaking old boat and held her arms out and constantly balanced herself and swayed from her left to her right always inching closer toward Ben who let the oars rest and reclined and put his elbows on the end of the boat and cracked his neck with a groan and Melissa stuck a leg under his left arm to sort of straddle him while she asked if he was too tired and he looked up at her and shook his head and the other end of the boat began to rise out of the water while Melissa slid her other leg under Ben's other arm and sat down on his lap locking him in a kiss and wrapping her arms around his neck and falling back and hoping Ben would wrap his arms those ones that held her back then and the ones she hoped would hold her now and she slid down his torso and he fell along with her in a slithery slide to the boat's muddy floor where her hands fumbled with the belt of his jeans while he kissed at her neck and the boat didn't move only knocking and banging with the bumps and the oops of the clothes being kicked to the end of the boat where everything was shoved with two pairs of feet playfully kicking and batting and sparring with one another as though this was routine or part of the act and those bumps and those oops echoed around the lake and the small houses or cottages with their porch lights and their screen doors became curious or angry and people would mumble or grumble and see what the racket is at this time of night in this time of place when the knocking and banging of a boat was infuriating and annoying and concerning and Ben removed his shirt and slid it underneath the hips he had been clutching as she dug her fingernails into his shoulder blades and released a moan of delight while biting her lip and trying not to be too loud about how good it felt just to feel that again with him entering her and thrusting slowly and gently as the boat rocked from side to side sending soft ripples across the lake where more porch lights came on and more screen doors slammed and Melissa howled with pleasure and Ben would thrust harder and faster and the boat rocked harder and the ripples in the lake grew larger and Melissa ran her fingers through her hair while she began breathing harder and releasing soft squeals of pleasure as Ben sucked on the lobe of her ear and tried to ignore the pain in his arms as he supported his weight on his elbows that were planted in the muddy floor of the boat that was rocking harder and harder and the ripples in the lake grew larger and larger and Melissa's long legs interlocked with Ben's and her nails dug deeper into his back and Melissa arched her head back and Ben kissed her neck up to her chin and Melissa was wailing almost as if in pain but very much in ecstasy and the boat rocked harder and harder and harder and the ripples on the lake grew larger and larger and larger and more porch lights flicked on and more screen doors slammed as Ben's arms grew tired and he planted his palms in the muddy floor of the boat and arched his back more and kept thrusting and thrusting and Melissa's eyes rolled back into her head and she moaned and shrieked with delight and Ben grunted and collapsed on top of her with their exhausted bodies beaded with sweat both heaving as they struggled to catch their breath and the boat rocked slower and the ripples grew smaller and the porch lights flicked off and the screen door slammed and everything was like it once was and like it always could be every summer every year for the rest of time.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Picking A Favorite Can Be Hard

So when I asked World Cup fan at work who I should root for once the United States had been eliminated (although I really wasn't all that surprised—or disappointed, really—by their failure to get out of their group; we're still years from soccer—or "football" as it's called, well, all over the rest of the world—gaining similar popularity here), she recommended Argentina.

I seemed to remember seeing hearing positive things about them.

And they're pretty good too, she told me—although she admitted believing popular favorite Brazil would probably win the whole thing, and she herself was rooting for Mexico.

Too bad about that heartbreaking, unstoppable game-winner that once again sent Mexico home early. I'm tempted to call the staff of the men's locker room at the country club I usedto work at and maybe ask them if now they're rooting for Argentina too.

And you know what? Although I was tempted to cheer for the Netherlands, I think World Cup fan really knows my own taste in soccer teams pretty well.

Of course there are some people feel the World Cup is "an excuse to exploit girls."

What? I haven't the faintest idea of what the senator is talking about.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Hmm ...

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Thursday, April 27, 2006

A "Shameless" Follow-Up, Vol. 2

I'm all for another good-looking proponent of net neutrality.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Sunday, April 09, 2006

A "Shameless" Follow-Up, Vol. 1

And so it begins. A name came up tonight that I'm ashamed to have forgotten. I hear she has a new album due out this summer, so that adds more pleasure to what has—thus far—been a rather blissful 2006.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Random Pervert's A Series of Shameless Links

I trust you saw the big news on Monday.

Now, you won't hear me contesting this "sexiest woman" title being bestowed upon Scarlett Johansson. Yeah, she's a knockout. Okay, fair enough.

And the rest of the top ten list was pretty much to be expected: Angelina Jolie, Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, Keira Knightley, Halle Berry—all perfectly understandable.

But then we've got Jenny McCarthy? Carmen Electra? How many of these FHM readers are still jerking off to Playboys that are years old? Oh, wait—I forgot that magazine is still thinking rather highly of those ladies, too. I guess that strikes me as being a little funny because how long ago did "Singled Out" go off the air? A decade ago? And what has either Jenny, Carmen, or anybody else from that show done notably since? So there's that—and had I voted, chicks with implants are immediately disqualified on principle.

Now if I had voted, then there would have been better representation for Salma Hayek, Maggie Gyllenhaal (you know, the one who got the talent in the family), Sarah Michelle Gellar, Lara Logan, Liz Marlantes, Eliza Dushku, Eva Longoria, Aisha Tyler, Kate Beckinsale, Tyra Banks, the Page 73 Girl, and of course [look to that little list of links along the right side there and you surely won't be surprised] Stacy Keibler (not necessarily in that order). And, I'm sure, a whole slew of others I'm forgetting.

So as you can clearly see, I take the news very seriously.

UPDATE: Addition #1: Nelly Furtado.

UPDATE: Addition #2: Screw the link—let's get to business. Alyssa Milano is way hot—and pretty smart too, apparently. Her support for net neutrality is admirable because my guess is that with Congress' decision to go ahead and essentially privatize the Internet and not enough vocal opposition to such a profane concept—it's good to know somebody (again, hot too) is paying attention.